Why I am a Massive Tool (Part 10 in an ongoing series)

Specialty Tool: I am a senior citizen

Facebook stalkers might remember that I briefly had a serious addiction to muffins. Every morning at 8:00 AM I went to Café 212 and bought a blueberry muffin with coffee. In that period before really waking up, there was nothing like 500 calories of steaming, gooey, fluffy muffin.

One morning, after I finished my muffin I stared for a long time at the empty wrapper, and I realized it would be a whole 24 hours before I could have another muffin, and I got really, really depressed. It was then I realized I had an addiction.

Well, I’ve kicked the blueberry habit, but I’ve developed a more pernicious addiction: raison bran. Literally it is my favorite thing to eat, and if I wasn’t afraid of eating 300% of my daily fiber, I would have it at every meal. Oh wait, I did: today.

The beauty of Raisin Bran is that it gets soggy quickly, turning your morning breakfast into, at best, a kind of paste. It tastes better that way, and it’s easier on your dentures.

Perhaps now I should develop the other eating habits of my fellow 80-year-olds: prunes, tomato soup, overly toasted bread, and lactose free milk. Hell, why don’t I finally put my tennis balls to good use and put them on the legs of my walker? From soggy Raisin Bran three times a day, it is only a short leap to telling long, rambling stories about muffins that have no point.